30 December 2009


The day we said goodbye wasn’t the time I saw you biking with your surfboard on your block. I think it was that time I biked home from the library at midnight in 30 degree weather. I had forgotten the route I’d taken a thousand times and ended up by the beaming lights. It wasn’t the ocean wind that blew me away. I think it was realizing that because our language is tacit, we’d know each other long after we’d part. Like a song that circles the island after the crowd's gone home, you're the silver lining of every ___ tale.

28 December 2009


Although I was fully clothed, I felt as naked as a child, waking up in the morning to a beginning of a different kind. Suddenly surprised by a beautiful song about the inevitable ending written for the likes of girls such as myself, I was in the midst of living out another fantasy. The song wasn’t for me or even for impressing me, but for just another body to acknowledge it was being played. I did not want to feed into the burden of want, where someone else would hold all the tickets.

The strings sounded like they would give out when the sun would finally be ready to touch my skin. The lack of shade from the windows gave me the feeling of struggling to live somewhere between the forgotten moon and the fragile morning light.

27 December 2009

arsenic and old lace

the story of romanian serial killer vera renczi goes something like this. vera fell in love and married men at various times in her life. each would disappear from sight after she suspected they were about to leave her. but she was actually poisoning them with arsenic and putting their bodies in coffins stored in her wine cellar. there were 32 of them in total. at times, she would sit in the cellar to pense, surrounded by all her lovers.

some may say vera was an artist. whitley strieber wrote a vampire-themed back loosely based on her. and she inspired the playwright joseph kesselring to write arsenic and old lace.

25 December 2009

if you're sad, and like beer, i'm your lady

isabella is a cancer. who knew

when i open my mouth you can see 25 cavities

i'll never forget what he said to me after our saturday meeting. we had just all presented our projects and i'd gone home for lunch. he then texted me and i called him back to tell him how much i enjoyed seeing his project. then i told him it was first time i'd done such a thing and how strange my presentation was. in turn, he said, "there were definitely ones much worse than yours." i didn't take it as an insult, perhaps it was even beyond a compliment. in many in ways, i was untouchable to him. but all those ties that we hid behind cleared the way for the type of honesty usually only shared between the closest of friends.

24 December 2009

in a hartbeat

all my urges of youth could be summed up in that moment. i had just come from a composting meeting and had time to wait for the sun to go down. i walked to the library and first sat on the concrete stoops outside the study room. that morning, i had put on my favorite elf shoes and button-less cardigan, the one my friends called 'that homeless one.' i jumped onto the metal railing right in front of the library and swung my legs in front of me. the position i was sitting suddenly made me feel very small, the same smallness you'd feel cruising around a different country. the sun became a calm glaze as i inhaled a portion of a stick. its potency took me by surprise. as i tilted my head up to look at the ocean wind circling the sky, he walked out from behind the library's opaque door. it was only 4 in the afternoon but the whole town had cleared out just for us. he looked at me in disbelief as i exhaled, my breath gliding safely throughout our coastal town.

growing ugly

There I was that night, seeing him in a photograph wearing a purple scarf. It wasn’t the same purple scarf I had worn all throughout college. It was quite different. His scarf was more pallid and coarse. Though it actually looked softer from a certain angle. His face had changed a bit as well. It was rounder and also bigger. Back then, he looked like a gap-toothed porcelain doll. Now he’s just a boy with a big face. A feeling of satisfaction snuck up on me, taking over my eyes and then my lips. I couldn’t believe how he had changed – his beauty used to be next to only that of a girl. Well maybe it was the rare tenuous type of beauty that when touched, crumpled open like a ball of used tissues. Tissues that can't leave a maudlin girl's wet hands.

22 December 2009

conjuring a conflagration for the callow coquette

upon arrival at the pizza bar, cleare completely capitulated herself to josh. he was a capricious womanizer, with a cadaverous brunette to the left and the crestfallen cleare to the right. why, she wondered, was he the callow coquette he had become? after all, he did have congenital characteristics such as short arms and a large face. before the night was over, cleare's thoughts took a circuitous turn as she circumambulated around josh's pizzas. she decided she would castigate him by setting his pizza bar on fire. ah the feeling of sending a man to his chasm without clemency or compunction. taking a final look at the conflagration she had conjured, cleare complacently walked back to her table to sit with her concentric friends as they shared a confluence of a laugh.

autonomy for the abject romantic

as she waited for the storm to abate, amity began to adjure herself to forget about him. over the past few weeks, she had developed a new-found sense of animus toward the penis of her former amatory lover. she really took to mind that cate had abdicated her friendship to shan and also abjured to never speak to him again on her dear friend's behalf. on the other hand, amity could feel the accretion of tension build up from her abstention. and she had really taken a step to abrogate the old apartheid. just as it stopped raining, amity told herself she was the archetype of an abject romantic.

18 December 2009

i need a festivus miracle

this test is driving me crazy. i feel like precious time is passing and soon my youth will be over but i'm wobbling over this test and school and living here. i can't wait until this test is over so i can check the following off my list:

- go to santa barbara in january, hopefully with k to see c
- maybe make a trip to see cleare in february
- go visit j-p and see m too in march
- april is the big month! earth day in isla vista and also 420. plus c-valley!

17 December 2009

what it feels like for a girl

this is what i feel like daily, living in los angeles. halfway out the window.

taken from lookbook.

16 December 2009

a royal asshole

watch as jeff gets vexed by the trumpet.

f was probably the biggest asshole to land in isla vista and i had the misfortune of knowing him. but he introduced me to jeff mangum and chelsea boots, which almost made it worth it.

14 December 2009

my own silvia

l'amour, elle est belle, elle est cruelle. i found 4 white hairs on my head today. maybe i'll start to look like rogue from sex-men.

today i did things a bit differently

in the morning, i had tea from a bag instead of crumpled up like hash balls. and i made apple crêpes instead of apple pancakes. i gave patti smith a rest and listened to the smiths. instead of central air/heat, i turned on a small radiator i found in the garage. then i put on long johns from patagonia instead of sweatpants. i decided to transfer my exam words from a long yellow notepad onto a small white notepad. i took a 30-min break from exams and watched 'genital hospital' - i think james franco/jason morgan will be the 1st gay storyline on the show. i think i'll cook some ratatouille crêpes for dinner.

09 December 2009

a misses c+c!

this one is still on her face

i loved those jupe shoes dearly

the sharp pain of having a hot man penetrate my face with a needle was the best feeling in the world. it felt so damn good i tried more with different men.

nice bra!

stiff faces post-op

07 December 2009

asiatic bittersweet

each fruit is an ecological timebomb

05 December 2009


as i prepare now to get some recoms for more school, i remember again how much i loved learning about the environment during my college years. if not conducive to anything else (aka job), my time in the classroom definitely helped me find my joie de vivre.

some of my favorite professors - who taught me that once you find thatis within yourself, your are much like a potent potable:

marc mcginnes - environmental law - marc is one in a billion! i was fortunate enough to be in the last class he taught before retiring. he would come to class dressed up as an 'alien' and criticize humans. after the final exam, we all stood in a circle around the fire pit outside and he chanted about everyone being one - that was the exact moment when i knew i'd fallen in love with the environment.

david cleveland - world agriculture - i loved learning about ag and small-scale farming from this guy - watching how happy he was while he lectured was encouraging. i'm lucky if i'll ever have half the passion and kindness this man has. i don't know how but he knew my name and i keep seeing him around the food co-op. he called me a "star student!"

paul wack - environmental planning - this man loved planning. he showed us a pic of him in his 20's when he 1st started out - he was smiling ear-to-ear then as he is now. he really inspired me and cleare to see planning as a career. and his film class was the last ES class i ever took - totally blew my mind man - i was really inspired by all the blue horizons kids in the class who loved the films more than even i did.

WORST PERSON EVER: Eric Zimmerman - our dept adviser - not only did he not give any of us any advice on any jobs, he made me feel like a dumbass for asking him any questions.


today i listened to patti and did another stack of exam cards. patti's so rad.

04 December 2009

international dateline

today i entered my bedroom to realize my bed takes up more than half the room. and i also have 2 desks. others than these things, there's only enough space for one person to stand comfortably in the room. maybe the other person is waking up right now saturday morning in tonga.

vie heroique

cher cleare, des lèvres

michael avec les lèvres rouges

deck avec les lèvres succulentes

03 December 2009

marion et guillaume: cap ou pas cap

je n'avais rien vu deux personnes si heureuses.

02 December 2009


i loved her melancholy days with damien rice during her early 20's

she's 28 now. she said her split with damien was the best thing that's ever happened to her. i have to say she's a bit of a plain jane now.

01 December 2009

la racine de la vie

Phèdre de Jean Racine m'enseigne l'amour, c'est la mort. Regarde ici.