I found a Serge Gainsbourg CD at the second-handed store today. It made my slow-paced day even more delightful. Sitting on the 24sex, I experienced what I have experienced hundreds of times before. You open your mouth to breathe it in and your mind closes off. We have been living in paradise for the past half decade. The closest thing to this four years ago was the white-trash Jersey shore. I would have gone crazy living near the Jersey shore.
On some days, my mind trails far off as I bike around and my eyes pick up on the aroma of wind and sunshine. Then I set my body down to watch the leaves sleep.
At age 220, I am a tired old woman about to leave sb.
22 August 2008
25 July 2008
02 July 2008
bord de mer
j'habite au bord de mer aussi. c'est l'histoire de ma vie aussi. mais le fin, cela sera pas un fin joyeux comme lequel de marie.
after seeing this film i now have more existential holes to fall into like a blind woman. i harbour an overall nausea toward life and other people. my daily activities bore me to death and i wonder if i'd enjoy what other isla vistans do - seems like a lot of fun. but i already know that i'd just end up on a 2x2 platform surrounded by the ocean and watching everyone else. and i do thoroughly enjoy my quotidian activities. everyone i encounter i want to look him/her in the eyes and say "hey fuck you." yet it's pretty human to want to continously meet people such as this nonetheless.
with age, this nausea grows and pours into your body ounce by gallon. it becomes more intricate and different illnesses tie together delicately yet boldly like a web.
we all wait and think we'll get our three lemons someday. it's theoretically possible - but we'll all die before we can get those three lemons.
after seeing this film i now have more existential holes to fall into like a blind woman. i harbour an overall nausea toward life and other people. my daily activities bore me to death and i wonder if i'd enjoy what other isla vistans do - seems like a lot of fun. but i already know that i'd just end up on a 2x2 platform surrounded by the ocean and watching everyone else. and i do thoroughly enjoy my quotidian activities. everyone i encounter i want to look him/her in the eyes and say "hey fuck you." yet it's pretty human to want to continously meet people such as this nonetheless.
with age, this nausea grows and pours into your body ounce by gallon. it becomes more intricate and different illnesses tie together delicately yet boldly like a web.
we all wait and think we'll get our three lemons someday. it's theoretically possible - but we'll all die before we can get those three lemons.
29 June 2008
that week i had another blond on my mind
i was eating lunch at the DLG when I first noticed him. i was dressed like i had just fought a war in west philly. strangely, he decided to smile at me. each time he passed our table with grace, he had spotted another table to wipe down. i could tell from the sensible wiping motions he made that he was at peace.
from that day on, i'd get to the DLG at 5 for dinner and leave around 7. i learned new things about him every night - from how he handled different food stations - pizzas, hot foods, and glasses. we pummeled a few awkward words out of each other sometimes. most of the time i'd just look into his droopy blue eyes.
sometimes your brain leaves you and you don't even know it. it may be weeks until you realise but by then you've already become a very different person. and when i realised what i had done to bryan that november, i wanted to jump off campus point into the cold ocean and maybe my corpse would float back to the atlantic and boil.
one night, i smiled at him in apology but he looked at me through my own vacant eyes. it was like the tom petty song "don't do me like that." except not as jazzy.
i saw him again 4 years later through a window. getting a pedicure at his girlfriend's nail salon. his soft blonde hair had began to recede and he had bags under his eyes. it was only 4 years but he looked like he had aged 20 years.
today i know that he was once good for me. but not anymore and he's having a great life. all b/c of my decision that november, which turned out to be good for him. when i think about him now i always remember seeing him skate past DLG, his hair flying like soft hay, and my wanting tell him that he is a free spirit. it's like the tom petty song "learning to fly."
from that day on, i'd get to the DLG at 5 for dinner and leave around 7. i learned new things about him every night - from how he handled different food stations - pizzas, hot foods, and glasses. we pummeled a few awkward words out of each other sometimes. most of the time i'd just look into his droopy blue eyes.
sometimes your brain leaves you and you don't even know it. it may be weeks until you realise but by then you've already become a very different person. and when i realised what i had done to bryan that november, i wanted to jump off campus point into the cold ocean and maybe my corpse would float back to the atlantic and boil.
one night, i smiled at him in apology but he looked at me through my own vacant eyes. it was like the tom petty song "don't do me like that." except not as jazzy.
i saw him again 4 years later through a window. getting a pedicure at his girlfriend's nail salon. his soft blonde hair had began to recede and he had bags under his eyes. it was only 4 years but he looked like he had aged 20 years.
today i know that he was once good for me. but not anymore and he's having a great life. all b/c of my decision that november, which turned out to be good for him. when i think about him now i always remember seeing him skate past DLG, his hair flying like soft hay, and my wanting tell him that he is a free spirit. it's like the tom petty song "learning to fly."
11 June 2008
better to have stayed and hurled polite sarcasms at him
"...she realized that the weapon which she had chosen had been a boomerang, for she herself had felt the keen disappointment of the denial..." -nl
cela, c'est la raison que bo n'obtient jamais l'homme de sa vie
cela, c'est la raison que bo n'obtient jamais l'homme de sa vie
nous avons écoutés le son de votre amour
i want to share my art with you, friend. i call this one "bonjour jeune fille."
08 June 2008
shredder
some exciting things that's happened this past week: (!)
- i was on the 24sex bus and this guy kept looking at everyone's shoes from the corners of this eyes. he didn't look anywhere else - just everyone's shoes. then this girl gets on the bus and sits down across from him. she proceeds to look at his shoes from the corners of her eyes. he sees this from the corners of his eyes and decides to stop looking around and concentrate on enjoying the ride across goleta beach.
- cleare and i went to place x downtown. this guy that does x there is super fine and we even got to see him dance like a swan. we saw him again tonight in iv and he was looking SUPER fine. downtown nights are for unrefined pplz. but we go once in a while b/c there's like two places we can go. it's funny to see ppl there whom you'd never expect to see. then they see you and they ask themselves the same question, "what the heck are these pplz doing here?"
- i'm at davidson library right now writing the four papers i need to finish. there's this italian-looking man a row in front of me typing. i decided that he's not the philly-looking white trash italian because he looks real-italian, aka european-italian. he has amber-colored skin and a nice nose (which he is picking + smelling) like dean potter and defined cheekbones. his shirt, which could be from patagonia, is unbuttoned just enough at the top. while he's typing he's running his hands through his curly brown locks. it is so stimulating for him that he has typed a full page already. next to him is a knit sac full of books - something you don't see stateside. he's scoping the library scene for good-looking quality women. but he won't find any. he's standing up to get a better look and re-shuffling his hair. he puts his hand into his tighty whities and re-adjusts. he takes it out and smells his hand and flinches a bit. he stands up and reads a cool book in the middle of first floor while everyone is sitting and fingers his hair more while smelling is hand after each stroke. now i just made eye contact with the dude who sat behind us at anisy'qoyo park during earth day.
look at all the things going on in this pic. i could explore for hours.
- i was on the 24sex bus and this guy kept looking at everyone's shoes from the corners of this eyes. he didn't look anywhere else - just everyone's shoes. then this girl gets on the bus and sits down across from him. she proceeds to look at his shoes from the corners of her eyes. he sees this from the corners of his eyes and decides to stop looking around and concentrate on enjoying the ride across goleta beach.
- cleare and i went to place x downtown. this guy that does x there is super fine and we even got to see him dance like a swan. we saw him again tonight in iv and he was looking SUPER fine. downtown nights are for unrefined pplz. but we go once in a while b/c there's like two places we can go. it's funny to see ppl there whom you'd never expect to see. then they see you and they ask themselves the same question, "what the heck are these pplz doing here?"
- i'm at davidson library right now writing the four papers i need to finish. there's this italian-looking man a row in front of me typing. i decided that he's not the philly-looking white trash italian because he looks real-italian, aka european-italian. he has amber-colored skin and a nice nose (which he is picking + smelling) like dean potter and defined cheekbones. his shirt, which could be from patagonia, is unbuttoned just enough at the top. while he's typing he's running his hands through his curly brown locks. it is so stimulating for him that he has typed a full page already. next to him is a knit sac full of books - something you don't see stateside. he's scoping the library scene for good-looking quality women. but he won't find any. he's standing up to get a better look and re-shuffling his hair. he puts his hand into his tighty whities and re-adjusts. he takes it out and smells his hand and flinches a bit. he stands up and reads a cool book in the middle of first floor while everyone is sitting and fingers his hair more while smelling is hand after each stroke. now i just made eye contact with the dude who sat behind us at anisy'qoyo park during earth day.
look at all the things going on in this pic. i could explore for hours.
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