that week i had another blond on my mind

i was eating lunch at the DLG when I first noticed him. i was dressed like i had just fought a war in west philly. strangely, he decided to smile at me. each time he passed our table with grace, he had spotted another table to wipe down. i could tell from the sensible wiping motions he made that he was at peace.

from that day on, i'd get to the DLG at 5 for dinner and leave around 7. i learned new things about him every night - from how he handled different food stations - pizzas, hot foods, and glasses. we pummeled a few awkward words out of each other sometimes. most of the time i'd just look into his droopy blue eyes.

sometimes your brain leaves you and you don't even know it. it may be weeks until you realise but by then you've already become a very different person. and when i realised what i had done to bryan that november, i wanted to jump off campus point into the cold ocean and maybe my corpse would float back to the atlantic and boil.

one night, i smiled at him in apology but he looked at me through my own vacant eyes. it was like the tom petty song "don't do me like that." except not as jazzy.

i saw him again 4 years later through a window. getting a pedicure at his girlfriend's nail salon. his soft blonde hair had began to recede and he had bags under his eyes. it was only 4 years but he looked like he had aged 20 years.

today i know that he was once good for me. but not anymore and he's having a great life. all b/c of my decision that november, which turned out to be good for him. when i think about him now i always remember seeing him skate past DLG, his hair flying like soft hay, and my wanting tell him that he is a free spirit. it's like the tom petty song "learning to fly."