that week i had another blond on my mind

i was eating lunch at the DLG when I first noticed him. i was dressed like i had just fought a war in west philly. strangely, he decided to smile at me. each time he passed our table with grace, he had spotted another table to wipe down. i could tell from the sensible wiping motions he made that he was at peace.

from that day on, i'd get to the DLG at 5 for dinner and leave around 7. i learned new things about him every night - from how he handled different food stations - pizzas, hot foods, and glasses. we pummeled a few awkward words out of each other sometimes. most of the time i'd just look into his droopy blue eyes.

sometimes your brain leaves you and you don't even know it. it may be weeks until you realise but by then you've already become a very different person. and when i realised what i had done to bryan that november, i wanted to jump off campus point into the cold ocean and maybe my corpse would float back to the atlantic and boil.

one night, i smiled at him in apology but he looked at me through my own vacant eyes. it was like the tom petty song "don't do me like that." except not as jazzy.

i saw him again 4 years later through a window. getting a pedicure at his girlfriend's nail salon. his soft blonde hair had began to recede and he had bags under his eyes. it was only 4 years but he looked like he had aged 20 years.

today i know that he was once good for me. but not anymore and he's having a great life. all b/c of my decision that november, which turned out to be good for him. when i think about him now i always remember seeing him skate past DLG, his hair flying like soft hay, and my wanting tell him that he is a free spirit. it's like the tom petty song "learning to fly."

better to have stayed and hurled polite sarcasms at him

"...she realized that the weapon which she had chosen had been a boomerang, for she herself had felt the keen disappointment of the denial..." -nl

cela, c'est la raison que bo n'obtient jamais l'homme de sa vie

nous avons écoutés le son de votre amour

i want to share my art with you, friend. i call this one "bonjour jeune fille."

shredder

some exciting things that's happened this past week: (!)

- i was on the 24sex bus and this guy kept looking at everyone's shoes from the corners of this eyes. he didn't look anywhere else - just everyone's shoes. then this girl gets on the bus and sits down across from him. she proceeds to look at his shoes from the corners of her eyes. he sees this from the corners of his eyes and decides to stop looking around and concentrate on enjoying the ride across goleta beach.

- cleare and i went to place x downtown. this guy that does x there is super fine and we even got to see him dance like a swan. we saw him again tonight in iv and he was looking SUPER fine. downtown nights are for unrefined pplz. but we go once in a while b/c there's like two places we can go. it's funny to see ppl there whom you'd never expect to see. then they see you and they ask themselves the same question, "what the heck are these pplz doing here?"

- i'm at davidson library right now writing the four papers i need to finish. there's this italian-looking man a row in front of me typing. i decided that he's not the philly-looking white trash italian because he looks real-italian, aka european-italian. he has amber-colored skin and a nice nose (which he is picking + smelling) like dean potter and defined cheekbones. his shirt, which could be from patagonia, is unbuttoned just enough at the top. while he's typing he's running his hands through his curly brown locks. it is so stimulating for him that he has typed a full page already. next to him is a knit sac full of books - something you don't see stateside. he's scoping the library scene for good-looking quality women. but he won't find any. he's standing up to get a better look and re-shuffling his hair. he puts his hand into his tighty whities and re-adjusts. he takes it out and smells his hand and flinches a bit. he stands up and reads a cool book in the middle of first floor while everyone is sitting and fingers his hair more while smelling is hand after each stroke. now i just made eye contact with the dude who sat behind us at anisy'qoyo park during earth day.


look at all the things going on in this pic. i could explore for hours.